unfresidencelife.com - Resident Resources - Roommate Relations

Roommate Conflict 101:
Some Tips to Keep You Out of Trouble

Lay Out the Ground Rules
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Mind Your Manners
When Your Roomate’s Problems Become Yours
A Clash of Cultures

That two-month-old carton of milk your roommate left in the mini fridge sends you into a rage. You unleash upon her a laundry list of every inconsiderate, irritating, selfish thing she has done since you met her on move-in day. Now this outburst has not only soured your friendship, but has made living together virtually unbearable.

The scenario may sound familiar to those who have put dorm life behind them, or it may be a fear for freshmen. Whether you're living on campus or off, the roommate experience will undoubtedly be one that dominates your college career. While your roommate doesn't have to be your best friend, there are things you can do to make sharing close quarters an amicable way of life for everyone.

Lay Out the Ground Rules

“Over 80 percent of the freshman class has never shared a bedroom at home,” said Dan Pedersen, Assistant Dean for Residential Life at Valparaiso University in Indiana. “That one factor of people having no experience in shared space already presents a problem.”

Most people come into the situation without ground rules and without knowing what to expect, says Pedersen, but common courtesy agreements regarding guests, study time, and use of personal belongings should be established right away.

When Kelly Cline moved into her freshman dorm at the University of Pennsylvania, she was unaware that she would be sharing a room with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend. “Two weeks after move in, she hooked up with our next door neighbor. Every night or every other night, he would be sleeping over,” she said. “I didn't say anything, because I didn't know how to say she was doing things that were inappropriate and rude.”

This is a major problem for students sharing a room with a stranger.

“It's like in the courting process in a relationship,” said Pedersen. “You want to get to know that person better before those issues start to come up because there is a risk factor. You think, maybe the person won't like me. It's not an established relationship.”

“It's hard to say to someone, 'nice to meet you, let's lay down the law,'” said Shaheena Ahmad, author of The Yale Daily News Guide to Succeeding in College.

Kelly never said anything about her unwanted guest, but took more of a passive aggressive route to get the message across. “I would leave at 3 a.m. to sleep in the lounge. I wasn't friendly. I wasn't really speaking to her. I was just in the room to do what I had to do.”

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Kelly's response is a common one, but not necessarily the most productive. Pedersen urges students in difficult roommate situations to keep the lines of communication open. “If people aren't talking, there are going to be problems,” he said.

Pedersen agrees that this assertive way of communicating is the way to go. “Passive-aggressive behavior like door slamming just throws gas on the fire.” But for those who aren't as ready to confront a roommate face to face, Pedersen suggests putting your concerns in writing. “Leaving a note in a non-attacking nature — assertive, yet non-threatening — is a good way to communicate and stand up for yourself.”

“When you're in a shoebox space anybody can get on your nerves,” said Ahmad. “But you can't let problems fester. Honesty and communication are key.” Ahmad suggests holding meetings to discuss concerns or problems with roommates. “There's something about a meeting that just makes people calmer than confronting them one-on-one.”

During Shannon Harris's sophomore year at Columbia, she and her roommates avoided any communication problems by creating a forum for dialogue before trouble arose. “We set up weekly house meetings just to have a forum to voice concerns.”

In addition to meetings with the group, Shannon found that approaching a housemate about their behavior in a considerate way often yielded positive results. “I would talk to them one-on-one and help them see that they need to be considerate. I would ask if there's any way to help them,” she said.

Mind Your Manners

While it is important to confront problems as they arise, Ahmad believes that most roommate issues can be warded off with the help of a little roommate etiquette.

Though she doesn't insist that everyone become a neat freak a la Monica on Friends, a minimum standard of cleanliness should be maintained at all times. Under no circumstances should you eat your roommate's food or borrow anything without first asking permission, no matter how trivial you think it is.

At the risk of sounding like Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, share and be considerate. Don't have music blaring while your roommate is sleeping or studying, remember to give your roommate phone messages and always work out an arrangement for overnight guests. Your roommate, however, may flat out say no to the sleepover, and you will just have to respect his wishes.

When Your Roommate's Problems Become Yours

So maybe your roommate isn't a slob, but has more serious issues that you find problematic. A note probably isn't the answer. Many students may find that sharing a room with someone with a drug problem, serious depression, or eating disorder is disruptive to their living situation and presents a health concern.

One of Beth's roommates during her sophomore year at the University of Pennsylvania had an eating disorder. It soon became a disruptive situation for everyone. Almost all of the rooming issues stemmed from food. Stealing food and not replacing it were just a few of the concerns, but it was her roommate's untreated mental health problems that caused irreconcilable conflict between them.

Beth and her roommate stopped speaking just months after moving in together. “I found it very difficult because her moods fluctuated without warning. She was well aware of her issues and spoke about it in a way that made it seem like she had her eating disorder under control, but I never noticed any proof of action,” she said.

“There are some issues students can't resolve on their own,” said Pedersen. “If the roommate has mental health issues, or is abusing alcohol or drugs, another party needs to be brought in to help that person understand that their behavior is creating an unhealthy living environment. They can also be put in contact with people who can help them with their problem.”

Pedersen also cautioned that students, who keep quiet about a roommate's behavior fearing that he or she will view them as a traitor, should be aware that should there be an arrest or university action taken against the person involved in illegal activity, the roommate may also implicated.

In most cases, when an RA is brought into a roommate dispute, their job is not to present a solution, but to open up dialogue between roommates who may be unable to communicate in a civil manner, or have stopped talking altogether. “Sometimes it's easier to go to a third party,” Pedersen said. “They act as a catalyst for discussion, not a problem solver.”

Though some situations may only be resolved by the introduction of another party, Ahmad cautions against using this as anything but a last resort. “Bringing in another person will change the nature of the whole relationship. At least for the smaller things, you should try to solve it yourselves first.”

A Clash of Cultures

Many students may find themselves in a situation where a rift in roommate relations is caused by prejudice. Pedersen argues that a student's problem with a person of another race or sexual orientation is not unsolvable. “We can talk to that student and help him look at his value system.”

It is a difficult situation, says Ahmad. “On the one hand, it's a big part of what college is about — being exposed to other ethnicities, financial backgrounds. You have to make an effort to be open-minded. You can ask questions, or answer questions, as the case may be, and not automatically assume that the other person won't understand.”

A student should never stay in a living situation that he or she deems unhealthy, even if the roommate is a friend. It detracts from the overall health of the living environment and can be disruptive to other students academically, socially, and emotionally.